OboeRay

Hello all,
It's been awhile since my last update on this journal. I don't think anyone here cares enough to read this, but I've been doing much thinking the past couple of weeks. Even still, I don't think I actually think things through unless I'm explaining it to someone somehow. So here it goes:

I bid farewell to San Diego.

I have some demons to confront, loose ends to tie, things to get off my chest, and music to face. I can't continue to be here in San Diego while I have so many things over my shoulders. I have neglected them over the past several years and I can't run away from them any longer. As of now, I have decided that I need to be in San Francisco to deal with them while I still can. They aren't exactly things that can be done overnight, and I can say that I will be gone for quite awhile. I am thinking at least a year.

Since I have graduated from college, I am much more mobile now and I must take the advantage of this opportunity because it may never come again. I don't know if I am making the right decision, but I am sure if I don't do this now,  I will live to regret it for the rest of my life.

I know I am being vague, but I'd prefer it for only the people closest to me to know what I"m talking about -- but also for everyone else to know that I am leaving because I have some important, family, as well as personal matters to attend to. It just can't wait any longer.

I've got about 2-3 months before I leave, so I must start my "to-do list" before I leave some time in July.... 

Hi Journal,

Since I have graduated I have taken time off to enjoy the spoils of life. Leading a productive lifestyle was not on my menu for the last 4 months or so, but I have begun a grueling and often frustrating quest to find a job. So far, I am still jobless.

Third week and counting.

My day at Intuit – the creators of Quickbook!
Multiple 68 inch plasma screen TVs in every floor. Xbox 360s, PS3s, and Wiis everywhere. I’ve never seen so much candy, too! It’s like Halloween and they just have so much candy everywhere. They have a gym, volleyball and basketball court, an “inspiration room” with pool tables, airhockey, foosball,… bar. A Cafetaria that is more like a food court with a dedicated chef from “Hollywood” dawning a Dolce-Gabanna hat. You can have a gourmet dinner for lunch. Company HAPPY HOUR EVERY FRIDAY 4pm, free beer and BBQ for all at the central plaza of the campus.
This is the definition of a dream job. It’s like working (living!) at a 5 class hotel. Everything is so high tech and state-of-the –art. The people there are hilarious. The food snacks there are addicting! Everyone working there jokes that they all have gained 10lbs first half of the year working after they started the job.

Intuit – the company responsible for the wonder that is Quickbook and Turbotax. Most of you here have probably never used it, but apparently 22 million other people in world do! Last Friday I had the opportunity to do a job shadow (actually it was more like a combination of a workshop). I went with their Experience and Design branch and they showed me a lot of their research techniques and design process. All I have to say is… WOW. This is like everything that I’ve been learning at school. I wish I kinda spent more time on the details in some of my classes. It was like hands on application of all the things I have learned to do!
I sent in my Resume and hopefully, I already have one foot in the door and will get the job! It’s paid, too!

Is anyone feeling the pinch? I know I am. I can no longer afford lunch every day at school anymore and I have been forced to a can of tuna and bowl of rice whenever I can eat at home. I haven't been to the movies in forever and I rarely eat out nowadays. I have the upward spiral of ever-increasing gas prices burning $53 in my wallet per week, weakening of the US dollar, and inflation increase of food at the grocery to be blamed for my reduced standard of living.

To everyone flying 80-85mph on the fast lane in your fucking SUVs and Hummers, burning all that gas to drive 10-15 mph faster than everyone else or to compensate for your <flawed physical attributes> to drive a large vehicle....


$@%# I hate you.



I'm usually on the 3rd lane at 65-70mph instead of my speed demon days of 80mph on the fast lane. All in the effort to conserve gas.

My idiot brother spilled about 2 gallons of water onto the kitchen floor and didn't clean it up. WHO DOES THAT? It's about the most grossly negligent thing I've ever seen. I was on my way to the kitchen to get something to eat when BAAAAM.

The next thing I know was laying on the floor soaking wet. Shooting pain on my head and hip prevented me from moving or getting up for about a minute. I don't think I've ever fallen that hard before. I took some Ibuprofen from Monica at rehearsal which stopped the throbbing pain on my head... but when I woke up this morning, I felt the pain on my left arm and my neck. So I'm guessing I must have pulled an arm and neck muscle, too.

So, I didn't go to class today. I drove all the way to UCSD, but decided not to get out of the car. I just drove back home. All I want to do is just lay down and sleep. There's no pain when you are asleep...

But I can't - I have a midterm tomorrow that I must study for.

I remember someone said to me "...the Polar Bears are dying? WHO THE HELL CARES?" It's understandable that some people think the loss of the polar bears will have no effect on us. They're just animals thousands of miles to the north that are of no consequence whether or not they survive the next few decades. Their cubs are cute and they make great stuffed animal toys...

At that time that statement was made to me (I don't remember who said it), I almost agreed. The Polar Bears die off and it's not like my day would change. They aren't part of any intricate web of life in our own ecosystem. Their deaths won't affect the value of the dollar, my capacity to pay future mortgages, nor the amount of money I have to pay at the gas pump. Life goes on regardless of their demise.

Should we care because we share this planet and we have a responsibility? That's an ethical question that we all have to ask ourselves. However, I think the reason we should care whether or not the Polar Bears survive the next few decades comes at me within an analogy my professor gave to my class.

Miners working in deep coal mines bring canary birds in with them. As you all recall, if the canary dies, it means there there is a dangerous level of CO2 and is an indicator for the miners to leave. Well perhaps the Polar Bears are acting like canary birds. Them dying off is an indicator to us that there is something terribly wrong. The concentration of CO2 and the amount of warming occurring in the atmosphere is unequivocal to recent history. The biggest problem projected now is that emission of CO2 is continuing to increase.

We are essentially an obese person that should be eating less, but instead eating even more. Given the multitude of factors including industrializing countries, population growth, and rising demands for raw resources, we're not just digging our own graves but the some 20-30% of the planet's animal and plant life.

I'm taking a course on climate change and society and everything I'm learning is worrisome.

Today, I take a brief moment in life to kinda update for those who still read live journal. I have to be honest and admit that I only visit this journal once every few weeks. So I guess I'll try and make the most of it.

I hung out with Teddy, Monica, and Courtney (Randall!) Friday before I left for my annual migration to San Francisco. I haven't seen Courtney since high school graduations when she was handing in her gown. So it was cool to catch up on things. I think it's awesome that she's now in Law school, too. When I first saw her, i was like "yap, you definitely look like a lawyer already" as she was wearing those lawyer-ish glasses.

Then I hear other stories of our fellow '03 graduates, and I felt like I'm not ready for life yet. People are getting their life moving and they're in different phases already. Married, children, moved away, and have actual jobs. Here I am still living at home and still trying to complete my bachelor's. In some ways, I feel sad but also sheltered like a budding seedling yet to be exposed to the harshness of the outside world. I also feel fortunate I guess, that other people do not have the same opportunity like me.

After finals were over, I flew up to San Francisco as part of my annual winter migration. The piercing cold render my San Diego style sweatshirt and and jeans useless. I had to buy a jacket and a scarf and even still, it felt frigid. My mom/step-dad here bought a spic and span brand new 2008 Lexus LS. So now, there's this extra 2002 LS sitting around that I've been using to get around the bay area. I feel like an old buzzard when I drive it... just because it has the fancy wood trimmings inside and a dangling Buddha ornament from the rear view mirror that signify the car is TOTALLY ASIAN.

Other then eating out with the family for virtually almost every meal except breakfast, I have had little time to actually wander about the city by myself. I did drive up to Berkeley yesterday to pickup my cousin Bill so I could drive him to the Oakland airport the next morning (which was today). Like all universities, parking was a bitch.

I drove up to near his dorm in Foothills and I was stopped by fucking WILD TURKEYS CROSSING THE STREET. They randomly jumped out of the bush and 10 or more of them started to cross the street like cows in the Midwest.

Berkeley was pretty this time of the year. The leaves were orange like it was still Fall; and quite chilly too. Oh yah, there was a 7 car pileup on the 880 on our way to the Oakland Airport. His flight was at 7am, and we left the house at 5:15am. If it weren't for the random 7 car pileup, he would have been there on-time. Thankfully he caught the plane just before it left. I swear, the traffic in some ways is more stupid than the LA freeways.

Now I'm at home (Foster City) sipping hot chocolate and I think it's going to be a perfect day. I'm the only one home and peace and quiet is on my side. I'm just going to chill here and keep warm. It's so relaxing.

 
~Ray

I woke up this morning to find my computer had reset by itself. Baffled by this unexpected event, I become paranoid that it might have been the settings I changed or because my brother improperly shut the power off the day before. However, what was strange about it was that windows didn't boot up. It just sat in the black screen with the multiple lines of startup information that I can't understand. I hit the reset button and again, nothing happen. The computer just stops right before windows boot. So I went into BIOS and found that my computer isn't even detecting the hard drive. In a panic, because I have lots of information that I need for my classes saved on the hard disk, I opened up my computer to see if anything was loose - particularly cables that connect to the hard disk. As it turns out, nothing was loose and everything was connected. So I hit the power button and see if it changes anything. To my luck, windows booted up and everything worked fine. Granted it made me half an hour late for class, but at least I had the piece of mind that my computer is working.

My reliance on my computer is astounding. I think I would lose my mind without a working computer. I'm too much of a tech junkie.

On a random note, I walked pass Victor Khong(sp?) today at school. I don't think he saw me, but I was in a hurry to get to class for a midterm so I didn't bother to get his attention. Good thing I didn't, because by the time I got to class, midterms were already passed out and there was hardly any seats left for me to sit in. In fact, I think I took the last one and the 5 people who walked in after me had to sit on the stairs. Tough luck.

Anyway, one last thing to note though: I talked to Michelle at rehearsal and apparently... Austin is going to be deployed to Iraq soon in a few months. That actually makes me feel worried. Granted I don't know him very well, but still, if it's anyone you know that's going to be basically in a death trap -- you'd be concerned as well. It's a scary thought. I'm not going to get into my political opinions on Iraq. UCSD is very liberal and its culture more or less influence and even reinforce my own beliefs. It'll be a topic for another day. For now.. I need to sleep.

Despite my education, I question whether or not it prepares me for what life has coming. I question whether my time spent at UCSD even gives me the slightest chance of succeeding in the world. I mean, a year from now, would anything that I've learned today and my last 4 years be of any use? Why do I have to know how subdural hematoma forms or the evolution of lateral paleocortex / olfactory periform subiculum; or that scientist refer the neocortex as isocortex? Why would all of this matter if I have no intention of becoming a neurologist? WHY am i remembering such big words and why did I just spend my last hour memorizing the ventricular system? The difference between homology, analogy and homoplastasy? The misconception of phylogeny recapitulating ontogeny? WHY?!?!?!?!??!!?!? Get me out of here. Life, I bet was simpler before we became multicellular organisms.


My day begins with my phone's alarm clock blaring at my bedside. Without thinking, my arm reaches out with a mind of its own and shuts it off and I go back to sleep for another 20 minutes before I finally roll off of my bed. I then proceed to navigate through the treacherous collection of debris in my room, hoping to not step on anything and breaking it along the way towards the bathroom to do my morning thing. Then I go to class.

I can't help but to think about what everyone else is doing sometimes. While I sit in traffic during the dead of morning rush in bumper-to-bumper carnage, my mind wanders and I fathom the existence of my life and trying to find some sort of parallel to what everyone else experiences in their daily lives. I wonder about Helix Class of 2003 and what everyone is doing in the moments between my lane changes - when I get off the shuttle bus and when I walk into lecture halls. I wonder what life will be like when I graduate. Does any of it have meaning? The institutions we are sent to after high school, college, military, navy, and what have you not.

To make money? Is that it? If only we still believed the philosophy that higher education is intrinsically rewarding rather than instilled with all the extrinsic pressures we feel today to acquire a degree. College is such a waste of time.

**Edit**

I deleted my original entry to write a new one as not to shock people of the drama I went through the last 2 weeks. Those who have talked to me, thank you. It's nice to know there's plenty of people who are there for me. I just don't make a habit of reaching out because I'm so used to dealing with my own problems.

But sometimes, and I'm sure all you folks who know what the real world is and are not sheltered at home with parents supporting you through college, know that you can't always figure out problems and fix things by yourself. Sometimes you need someone to lend you a hand; but sometimes the problem can't be fixed.
Other times, you just have to let time run its course and heal slowly.

I'm sorry for the ambiguity, but I guess if there ever comes a day when I have meaningful face-to-face talk with you and the opportunity arises, I'll shed some light. For now, lets just say that i'm sure we've all gone through phases where we don't get along with our own parents.

Sometimes it's about choking food until you swallow because the Heimlich doesn't apply. Anyhoooo, I'm ready to graduate this year. Class of '08 is better than class of never.

My car stalled at the Taco shop near Helix today. Gas started leaking out and made a mess. I didn't have my cell phone with me because I left it at work. My dad comes and starts being psycho and starts yelling at me and everyone else trying to help us push the car.

I'm just so incredibly frustrated right now with all the car issues my family has been having. In fact I'm just so frustrated at so many things right now I can't even begin to list them all. Everything just suddenly feels so miserable and I'm finally beginning to feel the gravity of it all. I began the day feeling humpty dumpty and happy... now I just really feel like I fell off the wall and cracked myself open.

I just don't want to deal with life anymore. I don't want to worry about school, graduating, classes, work, cars, money, or anything anymore. At this point, and at least for this night, I just want everything to stop. To have time freeze in place... if only for a heart beat so I may take the moment to breathe again.

At this moment I just feel like I want to be in someone else's shoes, to just be somewhere else and not have to worry about things in life - like a hobo that goes wherever the wind takes them. To just be able to stole way on a train and go somewhere else and live carefree. To just travel... and never have any roots anywhere.

There's something else that can emulate that feeling and I think it's called Acid / Weed or whatever. God damn it all, I'm just going to sleep through this and wake up hopefully feeling better than right now.

I don't have any words of wisdom. Somehow everything about college, graduating, and getting a good job is so far away from my grasp. I wish things turned out different and that I actually knew what I wanted to do 5 years from now. I wounder if it's bad that all my wants right now are materialistic.

I want a goddamn new car instead of that "thing" that is parked on the curb in front of my house. I want to move out into my own place and decorate it with furniture from Ikea. I want to someday move to New York City or even San Francisco -- if only to be able to say "I've lived there" instead of "Oh I've been living in San Diego all my life". How cliche is it for me to say "I want to go out and spread my wings" (so that I may fly far away from home).

After I helped my cousin moved into his dorm at UC Berkeley, I realized what I've been missing out on -- being able to live on campus and experiencing all the campus life stuff. He's got it lucky to be able to experience something like that. I'm happy for him all the same though.. being able to escape the prison of San Diego and away from his stupid estranged Dad.

I sometimes fear that I will not be as successful as my dad. Even though he came to the United STates from China about 30 years ago, he's seriously a living example of a journey from rags to riches. I seriously don't know how much money my dad has, but I 100% believe he has more than he's letting on. So I guess I'm lucky I guess. Anyhow, I'm going to spend some time with my mom since I'm leaving the Bay Area Wednesday to go back to San Diego.

Ciao

Fish Database project, San Francisco, graduation, summer school, Lexus, $1500 new engine in a car that's about to fall apart, tenants, airconditioning, work, black guy, stepmom, new family members, San Diego Symphony, Transformers, new camera, iphone, maggots...


I don't think I could write a single entry to touch on all those subjects. So that's pretty much a summary of a summary's summary's summary.

Cya guys in a few months.

This email I have sent to my research project team members pretty much explains what happened to me today. I haven't felt so frustrated and stressed like it in awhile, and it was only then at home when reality sets in to unleash my emotions. At the end, my tear-soaked pillow case was not a sign of weakness or sissiness. Rather, a sign that made me felt human.
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My car broke down on me during rush hour today. To say the least, it has had a long and fulfilling life at the grand old age of 17 and it is finally at rest with the engine completely burnt out (it's about time too! Toyotas last too long i tell ya). You guys should feel honored (or not! considering my car was probably uncomfortable, messy, and may have smelled funky) that you guys were the last passengers to ride in my car this week.

It was also the day I had forgotten my cell phone... and because my car broke down right before an overpass/exit, I had to walk what seemed like to the ends of the Earth to climb up a hill and through shrubbery, plants, and unidentifiable utility obstacles to get to a call box. I felt so stupid because I had to walk in front of those little traffic lights that were turned on during rush hour --- with motorists giving me strange looks...very embarassing because to other people who don't know what i'm doing in context of my car breaking down about 1/4 a mile away, I must have looked like a crazy, suicidal maniac that has decided to frolick at the freeway shoulder during rush hour!

Anyway, the point being... I will not be a good candidate to attend the research training session this Saturday. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about transportation now :(


P.S., riding in the back of a police car is really cool! (unless you're being arrested)

I realized I haven't written a single word on this journal in over a month. I guess I just didn't have anything to say lately because I didn't feel what I had to say was worth anything.

For just a brief moment that I have reflected upon myself, I didn't like what I saw. I'm not talking about facial anomolies in the mirror or because I could lose 10 pounds or so! I threw myself into a situation where I am losing sleep every night because I don't have enough time to do my homework assignments or study for quizes/tests. It's just so much has been going on I'm starting to be bad at doing the things that I used to be good at.

I spent all of last weekend trying to be stress free and not doing any school related work because I needed a break from it. All I ended up doing was adding more stress and even more lost hours of sleep I had to endure later -- I couldn't even have one weekend to relax? Nope, I sure didn't and I had to pay the consequence of that mistake.

I am just lately at the edge of my seat trying so hard to keep up with everything... and when I got my midterm grades back this week I just felt completely crushed. I just can't believe I studied so hard and still didn't get the grades I wanted and needed. I used to be better than this...

The worse part was just looking at my exam grade and comparing myself to my friends'. I acted as if it was no big deal and that I would just really have to pull myself together to do better on the next quiz or final. It was just so hard to hear how they playfully complained how they missed trivial points that only could have only spelt the difference between 84% and 86%, or whatever the case. It just made me feel so bad that they actually get mad at themselves even though they already received a good grade on their exam and them saying back to me "it's ok because you don't even care" (that I received a bad grade). But I really did care, and I can't believe she said that to me.

So it's time for me to re-evaluate my situation and stop spreading myself so thin. I simply just don't have enough time, with technically taking 6 classes ~18 units and trying to work 15 hours every week. It's just not working for me righ tnow and I can't handle it and I'm feeling like I'm going to break down...

I pray for the weekend to come, but then again I am already stressing about the weekend because I have to be at my research interview early Saturday morning and my team has made no progress on anything yet... so much more to write, but so much more of what I have to say is just gloomy negative things. I have nothing positive to write about so I'm just going to stop until I feel my life is in order.

-Ray

Because I'm such a douchebag and jackass for one of my earlier critical comments.

I will have to say that Wednesday's concert was good! It was the best that we've done this year and EVERYONE did a good job.

That's it, I guess.

Busy

Umm, that's it. That's all I can say right now. I'm busy and have like no time for anything. I"m just always on the go and I'm like almost never home for most of the days.

I'm taking the equivalent of 18 units and working 15 hours a week.

Good night

P.S., I am also very tired, hungry, and stressed. It's the first week of school and I can already see a million and one things to do by next Tuesday.

I wish the Earth was bigger so its rotation takes longer and gives us more hours during the day. A 24 hour clock just isn't enough for me.

My grades sucked last quarter. I got a B in a class I was expecting to fail and a D in a class I was expecting to pass. I don't get it! I guess it's because I never went to any of the discussions and missed about half the classes... but that's what happens when I have delayed sleep phase syndrome... I don't wake up at 7am.

Even now my bad sleeping habits are causing me to sleep late when I know I have to wake up early in the morning.

My schedule this quarter is no less forgiving. I have currently been on campus since 7:30am, and my last class (a lab) won't start until 6pm and wont' end until 7pm.

I'll be at school for basically 12 hours (I wont' get to my car until 7:30).

I guess one good thing came of this is that I didn't need to take an engineering level math/programming course. Just elementary probability and statistics for me! I give thanks to a recently approved math course by my major's department.

Anyway..... I think this is going to be the most challenging quarter of my college life since I am committed to working a job because I love it so much.


Ray